Offered: Coon Skin Hat - Coon Included.

I know you are all waiting patiently and not-so-patiently for pictures of the new house and snapshots from the retro housecleaning party. Trust me, I would rather be blogging about that I am very sorry to be blogging about raccoons.

I am terrified of raccoons, it all started one night nearly 20 years ago when I was sleeping under the stars in Southern Idaho and some raccoons found the camp trash cans. They feasted all night long while I cowered inside my sleeping bag. I had never actually seen a raccoon before and I was scared.

I have also read Where the Red Fern Grows many, many times and I know how smart and dangerous those guys are, even more reason to be afraid.

You see a raccoon showed up in the next door neighbor's tree, hanging over our yard looking down upon my tasty children on Friday afternoon. It was lethargic and convulsing and I figured it would not make it through the day. The next morning it was gone but Sunday evening he was back in the tree, convulsing, and was there all day today (Monday.)

The inter-webs inform me (according to the Washington County website) that the county will not come get a possibly rabid raccoon or any other wild animal. They will come get cats and dogs. Ummm, OK. I can call a private company and pay $175 for them to catch the little beast but how exactly am I going to be able to afford to pay to have a raccoon removed? I just bought a house, I'm broke!

Also, explain this: The county doesn't consider a convulsing raccoon an emergency because there hasn't been a case of rabies in Washington County in 30 years but a private raccoon catcher is required to euthanize the raccoons because they might have distemper. Distemper sounds like a fancy word for Rabies to me.

Did I mention my little kids playing on the porch 10 feet beneath the raccoon?

So my Dad and I are brainstorming over the phone ways to "deal" with the raccoon when I turn around to see Boba Fett the future Zoologist with tears streaming down his cheeks. He doesn't wan the raccoon to die. Great.

So, tonight, Moose is waiting for me to finish putting Nutmeg to bed when he hears a vicious growling outside. We ran to the window to find the raccoon on my beautiful new porch staring up at me with his bandity eyes, convulsing.... The Raccoon. Convulsing and Strolling. On. My. Porch.

Moose went to the gym, shortly afterward I heard some clanging outside. I hope the Raccoon didn't get him.

I can't handle a rabid husband right now.